It is what it is and that is fine by me

As I scoured the internet for yet another quick fix to my ever increasing sense of incompleteness, I realized that for as long as I can remember, I have been obsessed with thoughts of the unknown, unattainable, and flat out unreasonable. My constant pursuit of change has caused me to flee states, walk away from high paying jobs, switch residences at an alarming rate and disappear from the lives of loved ones. However, until today, I chalked it up to my youthful pursuit of happiness. The problem is, I am no longer young, nor am I seeking happiness as much as planning my next great escape. Truth be told, I am afraid – afraid to wake up thirty years from now and realize that this is all my life has to offer.

Up to this point, I have fought a gallant fight to stay one step ahead of permanence – figuring that if I vanished before it took hold, I would bypass the inevitable realization that I settled. So in an effort to understand this irrational aversion to the known, I spent the evening pondering my life’s decisions, and asking whether the life I have before me is one I am willing to stay with for the long haul. And the answer is, to my great surprise, I am. Now it does not encompass all my unattainable aspirations, but then again, neither have any of the other lives I recreated for myself after yet another attempt at perfection. The bottom line is, for the first time in my life, I do not think I would be able to forgive myself if I were to run from this life – as hard as it is at times – only to realize thirty years from now that my obsession with the other had led me down a path to nothing.