Her name appears in my inbox, and my heart skips. I know better than to dream, but I can not help but wonder if this will be the time she apologizes for the years of neglect, the hurtful silence, the lost childhood. But as I eagerly scan the page for any sign of remorse, I am disappointed; left, once more, to slowly exhale the desperate breath held within. Predictably, there are excuses; short clips of joyous days spent in my absence; and dreams of new beginnings. They are cookie cutter -- seemingly written in days past, stored, only to be sent when she senses me letting go of the pain. I want to delete it, cut ties, and walk away – but I fear such an action will eliminate any possibility that this will some day change, giving her an excuse to blame this ridiculousness on me. For in the end, I want nothing more than for her to realize that she needs to love me as much as I need to be loved.
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2 comments:
the behaviour isn't new.
my mother didn't wake up one day, and suddenly stop liking me. she has never liked me. thankfully, she finally and stupidly said it aloud, "i have never really liked you" in front of people...and now, can't take it back.
i am free.
to expect her to change, to love me as i need to be loved was crazy making.
we...i...sought ways to silence the pain inside. it's no longer needed.
i follow your journey.
i am that mother,, thrice... i dont have a clue how to let children i walked away from 20 years ago know i have loved them every day of my selfish chaos infested life... not a clue.. and so i don't.. i stay silent.. and leave them thinking i never loved them...
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