Once bitten

This is something I wrote a while back. I got to thinking about it as I spent the better part of five minutes this evening chewing the nail on my thumb:

While they serve a plethora of practical purposes, I primarily view my fingers as a snack. The way I see it, they are the smorgasbord of the body, with each individual digit presenting its own cornucopia of flavor. The beauty lies in the fact that no two bites are the same, as each is dictated almost entirely by that days actions. For example, I may dive into a salty, luscious, vibrant nail or cuticle on my left hand in the morning, only to spend my afternoon feasting on a sour nub that requires a butcher’s precision on my right. As you watch me feed, you may find yourself repulsed, but before you judge, think about it, what better way to surprise yourself than with a nibble of the unknown? Now I realize that many are disgusting by my actions, but to those individuals, this is all I have to say: fuck off, I don’t criticize your meals, you shouldn’t criticize mine.

Decisions

My career path has gone in a direction that would offend most in my profession. I started out on top, nabbing what I, and many of those around me, considered to be a life altering position at a very prestigious outfit. After three years of constant abuse, I bolted and took a job at a less reputable company with the expectation of permanence. Unfortunately, smaller stature did not equate with a better life, so I cut bait after a year and took a term post on this island that was necessarily limited to two years. As that time quickly dwindles, I am now faced with a decision that will affect the rest of my life. I am no longer the young, energetic, workaholic I once was and am now unwilling to sacrifice my future wellbeing for another’s bottom line. The problem is, I have no clue what that step should be. As I confront this problem, I realize that everything I find interesting in life renders my six figure education—which I am still paying for—useless. The rational side of me says that I should give it another go and continue to try and prove to myself, and those around me, that I did not make a mistake in going down this road and that I still have something to offer to the world through my institutional instilled knowledge; but the irrational side of me sees this as an opportunity to break free from the daily grind and finally do all the things I talk about, but never have the courage to undertake. I have a restaurant to open, a clothing store to look after, an adventure company to run, a world to travel, and a very bad book to write. This time though, unlike the others, the fear of continuing to do what is comfortable, for no other reason than that is what I am trained to do, scares me more than striking out on my own and failing miserably.

A beautiful beginning

The manner in which the two of you interact reminds me of a schoolyard romance: the touches innocent, but meaningful; the giggles constant, but genuine; the looks long, but appreciated. When your hand brushes her skin, it is impossible not to notice her lips part and eyes tighten in what can best be described as rapture. Outwardly, the two of you lack commonality; you are an accomplished professional with the world at your finger tips, she bubbles with youthful exuberance, searching for the meaning of the life she is just now creating. Nonetheless, there is a truthfulness to your budding relationship that is taken for granted at our age. As an outsider, I envy the way in which you relate, the chainlessness of your combined existence, and the blind happiness that keeps the both of you coming back for more.

If you do nothing else today, watch this

I watched this for the first time today, and besides being struck by the pure and utter joy on the faces of all those involved, I was left with a profound sense of hope; in what I am not sure, just hope.

http://www.vimeo.com/1211060?pg=embed&sec=1211060

Exhaustion

The first thing to go is my patience, without it I begin to attack viciously those around me, blaming them for all that life has seemingly failed to provide me at that given moment. The next is my civility, allowing me to vocalize all things normally kept hidden in the darkest sections of my mind. Following that is rationality, plunging me into a world dominated by crippling doubt and a sea of what ifs and why not. Finally, and when I have truly bottomed out, I lose the ability to control my emotions. As the days string themselves together, and the collection of these normally hidden defects magnify, I become unrecognizable, lacking even the basic abilities usually associated with adulthood. This is when I begin to scare those around me. It cannot continue.

The circle of life

The fear of losing those I hold dear not only keeps me awake at night, but often causes me to drown those I love with constant affection. I now fear that this unchecked desire has lead to the unfortunate—and ultimately preventable—tragedy before me.

There were signs a few months back that my need to give you all that this world had to offer was burning you out, but I ignored them, choosing instead to chalk up your antics to the heat, childhood angst, stress, etc. I know now that I was wrong—that I should have paid more attention to the outward manifestations of your internal turmoil; that I should have set you free and allowed you to grow and blossom at your own speed.

As I say these final words, please know that I will live with this failure for the remainder of my days, and that no matter how many others come after you, you will always be the one that had my heart first.



10-1-07 to 7-1-08.