Relationships

“Relationships either work or they don’t”

I cannot accept this as a general proposition, can you? Are relationship just supposed to work? If so, please let me know – kill the skeptic in me. Let me know that it isn’t work, a struggle.

My feeling is that the constant back and forth – the grind if you will – is what makes it worth while. Without the pain, doubt and worry, relationships fade, get taken for granted, and eventually, forgotten. Don’t get me wrong, I do not think cycles of misery necessarily lead to lasting and fulfilling bonds . . . but they can aid in that process.

There is a reason that humans, as a default, look for excuses to create conflict; we need to know that the time is worth it, that there is something worth a struggle. Anything easy is just that, easy, and we all know how that turns out (or am I wrong?).

Every great relationship I have ever had was worth fighting for, and it took just that.

My Wife: She is everything I have ever wanted. I loved her the moment I saw her, I knew that she was it – and we had never spoken. After months of perpetual flirting, she informed me, with some trepidation, that she would never date a man who was not of her race (and, preferably, religion) – a challenge. She faltered, I fought, and, to the best of my recollection, her parents cried. Upon meeting them, I knew what she was fighting against, and it was for me. Since that time, we have battled, screamed, and doubted, but we have persevered – seven years on, and our heads are still above water. During that time, we have come to understand that we are different people, with separate passions, goals and desires. She is religious; I question the existence of a G*d who subjects so many to so much. She believes; I am a skeptic. She is honest; I have more secrets than I can admit to myself. She loves to talk; I prefer silence. I drink; she lacks the desire to mask pain. I am angry; she is happiness in the human form. In sum, we are different people, and that causes tension, confusion and questions. Out of that, we probe and attempt to understand. In sum, we don’t always see eye to eye, but we understand that the fight is worth the end game. It could be easier – she, with someone of like color and beliefs; me, with someone lacking good judgment and morals; but why, where is the fun in that?

Partner in Crime (a/k/a Best Friend): I hated him at first glance, and wished him ill will, and he to me. How we worked past that, I don’t recall – but he is the only person I have ever been honest with. He knows my pains, thoughts and understands the deviousness of my soul. When my brother passed, many disappeared, never to be heard from again. He forced me to face reality. Instead of heeding my call to back off, he talked with his parents, paid for a counselor and demanded that I deal. He may have saved my life. For that, he will always be worth the fight – I would walk away from life as I know it if asked. But, as easy as that sounds, we differ. I walked away, left him to fend for himself. Eventually, he moved on, out, and is experiencing a life you only read about. Through it all, we fought to make it work, maintained contact, and refused to give up. It would have been easy. I hate the phone, he has an active social calendar. Yet, never lost contact. He is my support system. My brother. My best friend.

There are others: my Twin – getting past your tough exterior was not easy, but one of my greatest joys, a life without your companionship would be a life lacking. My Sparring Partner, a difficult wall to climb (and I am not sure I have scaled it). You keep me on my toes, and make me sad. One day, hopefully soon, you will recognize that you are an amazing, talented, intelligent person and worthy of so much more.

If I had accepted the above as true, I would have missed out on all of this. I would have bailed, as none of these relationships “worked” from the get go. Truth be told, if relationships just “worked”, I would be moving aimlessly through life, never understanding what it meant to love. So again, I ask, are there relationships that just work – no struggle involved? If so, are they strong? Do they make your heart hurt when you feel a blip? No judgments, just curious.